Non-Gossip Week
I write here for many reasons, some of which are selfish as I like to talk about those things which interest me. But I also love to encourage Christian women, and I think that this place is be one way I can obey the command of the apostle Paul to teach the younger women those things I am both to model and instruct. Most of us are familiar with the place in Titus where this command is given, and as Paul’s words in the Bible were given to that holy man by the Holy Spirit, what Paul commands is what God commands. We see in Titus 2 the admonishments (my New Geneva Study Bible note says this means that which will “bring them to their senses”) the older women are to give to younger women, which includes being homemakers and obedient to their own husbands. Those two items we talk about often as they are often challenged in our culture. But there are other items in that list, and there is another list of qualities which older women are to exhibit, as well.
…the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— (Titus 2:3)
A similar injunction is given for the wives of deacons in I Timothy 3:11.
If you Google “Prairie Muffin” (I do not suggest you do this) you will find all sorts of links from angry, vicious, slandering (yes, I know that if it’s written, it’s libel, which is a form of slander, as a square is a form of rectangle) words, gross misrepresentations of what I say and even grosser suggestions about what to do about the crazy, radical, nutcases like me whose existence is a threat to their peace of mind. I’ve been accused of all sorts of nefarious doings, such as helping get George Bush elected (guess they didn’t scroll down far enough in the sidebar) to advocating frumpiness as the national beauty standard (guess they didn’t look at any of the pictures I’ve posted of my lovely daughters).
I’ve told this joke before, but I have found it is really true when I read the ridiculous remarks made about the Prairie Muffin Manifesto where I sometimes make a serious point by using a little humor: Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A. That’s not funny.
I expect such misunderstanding and even anger from those unbelievers who don’t understand my convictions about being a homemaker, homeschooling, or, horrors, honoring and submitting to my husband. I seldom look at what is said by them, unless my statistics spike from some forum that has “discovered” my website and gives amusement for a day or two to the participants who enjoy mocking what I’ve said. Then I pray that those who dig for dirt discover the gospel in some of my posts and that God will move their hearts to see the truth, rather than respond with slander.
I expect something different, however, from those who call themselves believers in Christ, who want to be His disciples. I expect the older women who are Christians to “be reverent in behavior, not slanderers…” among the other commands specifically given to Christian women.
A blog is a dangerous thing. A woman can write anything, anywhere, going from house to house taking her “prayer requests” or other noble causes in the name of good intentions, and wreak destruction in other people’s lives, ruining reputations, and causing division among the brethren, with the click of a mouse. God’s Word applies to men and women, but there are some places where specific instructions are given to each, and in the places in the New Testament where we find didactic passages which apply specifically to women, we often find warning about improper use of speech, in the form of gossip or slander.
And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not. (I Timothy 5:13)
I am not immune to this temptation. I am sure I’ve used this platform to say unkind things or go too far making a judgment about a person with whom I don’t agree. I can think of one instance where I had to make a very humble apology because of it. It’s a hard thing sometimes figuring out what is permissible to talk about for the sake of warning or encouragement, and it requires much prayer, wisdom, and restraint, as to blithely blather about another person without regard to the consequences is sinful and hurts real people. Those who comment frequently on blogs and forums, besides wasting tremendous amounts of valuable time, are probably not exercising either wisdom or restraint as such things take time weighing and pondering and waiting on the Lord, which is antithetical to proffering quick opinions and engaging in arguments.
My daughter Anna has a blog on which she infrequently writes some lovely prose. Last week, two women whom we have never heard of left comments which went into moderation. Both flattered Anna for her writing and warned her of the nefarious teachings of the “patriarchal” people linked in her sidebar, people whom we know and consider friends. Such hit-and-run tactics are part of a behavior known on the internet as “trolling,” which means, according to Wikipedia, “a person who is deliberately inflammatory on the Internet in order to provoke a vehement response from other users.” The term is also used in other not very nice ways which I would rather not discuss, but in this context it means being a busybody.
As my wise husband says, when you write something on the internet, it’s like writing it on a public bathroom wall. Anyone can read it and discuss it. But for Christians to go from website to website, looking for opportunities to berate, argue, and tear down, is reprehensible behavior. Here’s my admonishment: Stop it! I am convicted again of the importance of guarding my mouth, even when it’s not moving. For the next week, I am going to be silent here and elsewhere online, and only post quotes which speak for themselves, or links, about the subjects of gossip and slander. It is my hope that it will encourage us all to be obedient servants to the clear commands of Scripture, and that we will be able to find a way to communicate properly with one another, in love, so that the watching world will not be able to find real fault with us for our dissension, but will only be able to resort to mocking us for our radical commitment to obedience to our Lord.
Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned. (Titus 3:10)
November 21st, 2007 at 5:14 am
Trolls will use the excuse that your blog is right out there in public so of course you should expect total strangers to comment. But people don’t act like this in real life. When I’m at the grocery store or anywhere about town, total strangers do not walk up to people and criticize them rudely and justify it by saying, “Well, you’re walking around in public; what do you expect?”
The fact is that the anonymity of the internet gives people courage they wouldn’t otherwise have — like Aesop’s little goat standing safely on the roof of the sheep shed, jeering at the wolf. And the wolf’s response is entirely appropriate: “I hear you, and I haven’t the least grudge against you for what you say or do. When you are up there it is the roof that’s talking, not you.”
November 21st, 2007 at 5:15 am
Oops. Closing italics.
November 21st, 2007 at 6:07 am
After a recent flap on my blog I was seriously contemplating what women are doing online.
As a matter of fact, I am considering writing a post somewhat similar to this one but now I can just link to you although when I linked to another very wonderful godly woman she was viciously attacked for having a prodigal child.
It is ok, God can sort it all out but it does seem like some people just hop around looking for a fight or to get their feelings hurt. I want so much for my blog to be a place of honesty but with women trolling around stirring up trouble it is very difficult. We seem to have forgotten how to have civil discourse. I personally believe there is room in Christianity for disagreements but not when it goes past the idea of civility. I am on an email list of wonderful Christian women and while we frequently disagree, we have only had one blow-up caused by one person in 5 years.
Until this week I never moderated a negative comment off of my blog. That is the nature of the beast. I am just not sure I have the stomach for it.
We are praying that y’all are feeling better. I guess I am going to keep typing in order to avoid my kitchen duties…..
November 21st, 2007 at 6:43 am
I totally agree. I’ve set limits for myself and my daughters on the number of sites we can have bookmarked to visit. I encourage them to use the Phil 4:8 standard for evaluating and to use the kitchen timer for accountability on how much time is spent on the internet. (30 minutes morning; 30 afternoon with “wiggle room” for research projects). Most of the time we come in under the time limit.
There’s too much real life to be lived out there! Even with good blogs and sites, we can be like those who are “always learning and never able to come to a knowledge of the truth”.
Thanks for allowing us to visit your “home”, Carmon, and for reminding us not to be gad-abouts.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving.
Linda
November 21st, 2007 at 7:35 am
You have done well with this post. The bathroom wall analogy is excellent.
We need more tender-hearted, forgiving women. In my experience that is not a virtue I have seen in my feminist-leaning friends.
November 21st, 2007 at 7:42 am
This is one of the reasons that I remain online, though I try very hard to limit
my time and choose wisely where to go. Lord help me in that area! But posts
like this that challenge, convict and encourage me in my role as a Christian
woman are the main reason I don’t throw away my computer and cancel my internet
connection. Thank you, Carmon.
November 21st, 2007 at 8:16 am
I so hear you. Those who go about flinging mud and ungrounded arguments for the sake of inflaming are the enemies of honest discourse and clear thinking. It does tempt one to run from them, but then they would be the winners and those looking for true encouragement or honest answers to real inquiry would lose. I have to admit that at times I have shrank back from saying something for fear of what it would excite. And I don’t have a tenth the readership you do. It’s a tribute to your courage that you are bold and honest in your posts.
November 21st, 2007 at 10:04 am
Stopping by to say I hope y’all feel better real soon (”hear* the Southern drawl?)
Sounds like turkey noodle soup and popsicles might be better fare.
Get well soon fm GA!
Dana
November 21st, 2007 at 11:44 am
I have always thought that your “speak kindly” button is a great reminder. It is frightening how we in our sin nature find ways to abuse the best things and people. Thank you for this reminder and for remaining strong against irrational attacks.
November 21st, 2007 at 1:37 pm
I have been convicted about getting involved with “discussions.” It was too wearing on me. I figured that I don’t need to lose sleep over opinions held by people I don’t even know. I love this blog in how uplifting it is. Carmon usually expresses opinions that I agree with and in such an intelligent way I figure I can be lazy and just let her do it:)
I am amazed at how rude people are in general. It isn’t just the internet. Most people think it is their personal business to let me know what they think of the monstrous number of children I have. You know I never walk up to some one without children or with only one and ask them if THEY know how it happens because obviously they can’t get it right. I could just imagine how hurt someone struggling with infertility would feel if they had that happen to them. Or my favorite:Complete strangers rubbing my pregnant belly. It just seems no one is taught to think before they speak and that everyone is entitled to their opinion. If it isn’t uplifting, I wish they would just keep it to themselves.
November 21st, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Thanks Carmon! I am exhorted! It is a wonderful thing when wise women in the Christian faith remind immature followers how they ought to behave. Some of us need the corrective guiding staff more than others.
I had to smile when I read your comment here ……
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“I seldom look at what is said by them, unless my statistics spike from some forum that has “discovered†my website and gives amusement for a day or two to the participants who enjoy mocking what I’ve said.”
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because it reminded me of something I read in a book about the newspaper tycoon W. Hearst. He told his live-in actress Marion NEVER to read the critics. I thought that was quite good.
I suppose the exceptions to this rule would be if your husband or pastor, friend etc who has your best interests in mind criticizes you. In the one instance it serves to tear down and the other to build up.
November 21st, 2007 at 6:48 pm
Well spoken and a perfect reminder.
Thank you for all of the scriptures, too. They’re what pierce through, and will “stick to the ribs” of your words.
I think kindness should rule our activities, whether in the privacy of our home or online. I bowed out of a web group that was (and still is) led by a wonderful, godly woman. The problem was that many women on there felt the freedom to carelessly (IMO) rebuke others mercilessly. I try to keep that in the back of my mind when I address comments on my own blog and when I do likewise on others’.
November 21st, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Carmon,
Great words of wisdom! I understand what you are saying completely. I was always taught that if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything. There is also another quote that I try to remember,”Keep your mouth closed and let others think you are a fool, or open it and prove them right.” When I post on my blog or comment on other’s I try to remember that inflection is lost online and that I have to be extra careful with my words. I’m sure I’ve messed up and said something too curt, or when trying to be funny, my humor may have been lost. You have encouraged me greatly and shown me how to handle difficult people with firmness, mercy, and truth. I appreciate your willingness to always stand for truth, so few people do this.
November 22nd, 2007 at 5:58 am
Carmon,
Thank you for saying this so well. I am always amazed at how well you put into words exactly what I’m thinking.
May your wise words be used of God to bring repentance, wisdom, and peace. Keep up the good work!
November 22nd, 2007 at 10:12 am
I am brand new to blogging, and am greatly enjoying it! I have to say though that I have noticed this tendency towards uncharitable speech as well. Usually some slightly veiled references to “certain groups” such as in your daughter’s case. For a newb such as myself, I don’t have a clue as to who they are talking about, but I am sure that those familiar with the blogging community would be able to instantly tell which individuals had been targeted.
I am exceedingly fortunate to attend a congregation where gossip is unheard of…in all my years of attending my little Baptist church I have never heard any woman say anything negative about any other sister. This is a huge part of why my daughters and I love this church so much. The relief of knowing that you will not be talked about behind your back in immeasurable. We all have this power. By not speaking ill of others we can create a safe haven. When people hear only kind words from us about others, they know that only kind words will be said about them.
November 23rd, 2007 at 10:34 am
God has been using “But are there not with you, even with you, sins against the Lord your God?”—2 Chronicles 28:10 and Charles Spurgeon and posts like yours, Carmon, in necessary attitude adjustment matters of the heart. Saved doesn’t mean perfected in practice though we have hope to share.
“My first advice is, leave other people alone with regard to finding fault…..Treat yourselves, my dear friends, as you have been accustomed to treat others…..My dear hearer, with you there are sins, and God must in justice punish you as well as others.”
From ~ http://www.spurgeon.org/sermons/0294.htm
God is so good ~ we should bless Him.
November 26th, 2007 at 5:48 am
Mrs. Burrows,
Thank you for your comment and for the link. This is something I try to encourage at our home, to first look at yourself then before the offender’s actions. I’m saved, yet not perfected, and press on daily for excellence. I have a long way to go. And it is so important to seek to understand before being understood. We don’t know what others have been through and why they do what they do, or say what they say.
Blogs can be wonderful tools as well. I like to look for the ones who use their blog just for that, for promoting His word, and helping apply it today, and teaching the love of God for all people.
November 26th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Thank you for this post. I am just beginning to blog, and I have already met with the temptation. As a side note, where did you get your button for Ron Paul? I have a picture on my website but would rather have a button to lead to his web page as yours does. I will be back to visit your site. I was directed here by LAF.
November 26th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
I’m truly grateful for this post, I know I find myself at times re-learning what it means to gossip. That which I may gossip about as a believer is sooo far from the things I’d speak on when I was an unbeliever, to the point that it’s easily done at times without my even realizing it. My motive may be to expose the truth in a situation but learning how to do so appropriately or even when to not say anything and simply pray about it rather than speak on it.
November 26th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Ooops forgot to add, and this is a bit off topic so that’s fine I’m sure:) Wanted to add being a homeschooling homemaker that embraces her husband’s headship is a huge blessing and pray that one day I can say the same of myself. And reading blogs that speak on these things are a great encouragement because I don’t have these examples in my local body although I’m blessed to fellowship with a great body of believers. Blogs where the author is personable allows me to see the Lord at work in ways that I may not see otherwise, not including His word of course.
So just wanted to add that tidbit.
November 29th, 2007 at 10:07 am
Very wise words of counsel and I agree whole heartedly. We need to be guarded and careful of what we write and the spirit in which we write it.
Blessings,
gloria
January 12th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
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January 24th, 2009 at 8:20 am
It is truly shocking how many in the world would read the views of another simply to condemn. Ironically enough, many who condemn traditional family, who degrade the role of homemakers and wives, claim that they are doing so in the name of freedom. Freedom ought to belong to us, to live our lives within the home, as well as to those who would seek careers or other paths. Perhaps we would do well to remember Bambi, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”