Question From a Reader
I got this email today, and I know others are struggling with similar issues: what to do when there are no like-minded people to go to for wisdom and encouragement, and what if we have made decisions in the past that we regret but can’t easily change?
I NEVER once heard the idea of letting God determine the size of one’s family and thought 4 children was enough. My husband dismissed what his parents taught him in this issue and thought about how difficult it is to feed and clothe the 4 we have. Unfortunately, he had a vasectomy 3 years ago. I discovered teachings on God controlling the womb last year and have repented. My husband has also repented of this sin and we are at a loss as to what to do next. He is 40 and I am 34. He works 50 – 65 hours a wee and we live VERY frugally. We don’t have the money to pay for a reversal and by the time we saved for it, would I even be able to conceive?
I have two thoughts on this.
1) Sin has consequences that many times cannot be undone. I’ve repented and I should just move on even though I am filled with the deepest regret. Would having the reversal just be us trying to control again?2) Have the reversal as a way of repenting and showing God that we trust Him fully and our family is in His hands.
Our (Christian) friends think that we are absolutely insane. After all, you need to provide for the children you already have. I really can’t turn to our pastor or our elders. They all have 1 – 3 children, by choice.
We really need wise, Biblical advice from a godly person and would love to see you post your opinion on this.
Hi! I am so glad you wrote as I can tell this is something that is weighing on your heart and you are struggling with how to deal with a situation that is very hard and has no easy answers. Either one of your thoughts about how to deal with it have merit, but one thing you don’t directly mention that is so very important is what your husband wants to do. It sounds like he works very hard to provide for your family, something for which to be very grateful, and one way to let him know how thankful you are for all he does is to gently share your concerns, but be willing, and let him know you are willing, to accept his decision regarding what you ought to do in your circumstances.
I do believe that ideally Christian families should be willing to accept what children God chooses to bless them with. We have been in difficult circumstances when I was pregnant with my sixth baby, and my husband’s business was failing and we lost a house and needed to move. God provided for us then, and we have had four more children and been blessed financially, as well as had some financial downturns. I don’t believe our financial circumstances ought to be the determiner of our family size, as those circumstance can change for anyone, as can health, family dynamics, and many other real-life trials that everyone experiences. I don’t want to minimize the trials, as they can be very hard, but they are part of our sanctification, as well, sovereignly ordained by God. And every child I have borne has been sovereignly created by God, planned from before the world began.
I once had a conversation with a dear friend who was agonizing over whether or not to have another baby because she wasn’t sure if it would be “God’s will” for them to do so. I told her that I didn’t think she could conceive a child apart from God’s will. Does God create a human being unless He wills for that to happen?
I have several friends who have had surgery to stop having children, then regretted that and repented, having reversal surgery done. Some have conceived and some have not. As always, that is in God’s hands, too. There are those who decide that they will not use birth control and then find, to their surprise (and sometimes their disappointment), that they are not able to have more than a couple of children. If that is what God ordains, then they have the “perfect” family.
Right now, even though you are convicted of cutting off your ability to bear children, you also have the perfect family because it is the one God has chosen to give you. It is good to desire children but not to demand that God give you what you do not have. Even though you have tried to circumvent God’s will for your family size, you cannot really circumvent His will for your family. When you truly repent of sin, He forgives you, and you need to believe that and remember it every time you despair over what you have done. You need to be thankful for the children you now have and teach them diligently about trusting God in all circumstances. If you are longing for more children, and if you believe that the right thing to do is pursue reversal surgery, then you need to have your husband’s support, of course, and the best thing to do, in my opinion, would be pray for the finances to become available. If he is not thinking about this the same way you are, then you can pray for God to change his heart but also pray for your own contentment and peace with this circumstance.
There are so many ladies in the same boat as far as not having like-minded support and encouragement in their area, let alone their church. Many I have talked to yearn to move to somewhere they imagine will be more perfect, with friends and mentors to counsel and comfort them. This is not a bad thing, but reality is that there is no perfect place and no perfect people, and even the churches filled with big families have big problems, too. I know this is true because I know how imperfect I am and my children can tell you how often I disappoint them! And in our family we tend to agree on almost everything, though the little annoyances can be that much more annoying if you have too much in common. We are never satisfied, are we? That is why, even though you may be in a place where your “radical” opinions are not understood or appreciated, you are right where God put you and you have a great opportunity to show love, forbearance, and maturity to those who are watching the weird lady who thinks four children is not enough 
.
Praise God for the internet…in spite of its many problems, we can find some encouragement from afar from kindred spirits, and go back to our real lives with some fresh courage and determination to please God in all things, even though we have imperfect lives and wish we could rest from our worries. But this battle in this life (sometimes called a “vale of tears” by the Puritans) is real and ongoing. God gives us rest and is our strength when we trust in Him. Don’t give up dear sister, but be a light for those around you, beginning in your home, with the dear ones you are charged to love and care for. I hope my words are encouraging to you. Don’t forget that God gives wisdom to those who ask.
In Christian love,
Carmon
August 27th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
That was a wonderful response, Carmon.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:11 am
This was a helpful reminder as we look forward to welcoming our second little one in April- due date exactly one year and one week after our first!
I have to keep reminding myself that just because these two are this close doesn’t mean that this is definitely the way all our kids will be spaced! And that even if all the math I’m trying not to do is right… that God will provide.
It is a constant temptation to “do the math”- one baby per year, times 20+ years, equals…
August 28th, 2008 at 5:56 am
Wonderful post, Carmon. Thank you. It was very encouraging to me and applicable to a number of different areas in addition to the specific one you wrote about.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Excellent answer, Carmon! I’ll be praying for the couple.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:06 am
Great post, Carmon!
August 28th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Good post Carmon!
Another option is adoption. Maybe God has ordained to redeem sinful decisions of the past by adopting some special child that needs a good home. God ordains all of our children whether He blesses our physical womb with them or He brings them to us another miraculous way. It is just an idea. We each need to come to terms with where God has us in our sanctification process. We are responsible for the obedience He shows us and we also need to be submissive to our husbands.
Note: I am not advocating the position of praying and feeling a peace about doing something clearly against scripture. I am simply saying that our Master has a way of convicting His own and dealing properly with them. We need to have grace when it comes to this issue. He might tell one couple that they need to pursue a reversal and He might or might not give them more children. He might tell another to adopt. Repentance is a must, but how we “make restitution” may look very differently.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:28 am
“Unfortunately, he had a vasectomy 3 years ago. I discovered teachings on God controlling the womb last year and have repented.”
I believe in the sovereignty of our Lord. God chose when to open your eyes to the truth of his word. I do not believe there is anything else you need to do. God was fully aware of your husbands vasectomy. He could have reveled his truth to you years ago. As Carmon stated, your family size is perfect in the eyes of the Lord.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:40 am
We went through the same situation, and though my husband had a vasectomy reversal four years ago, we have been unable to conceive. The blessing, however, is that when God revealed His truth about children and families to us, He also gave us a very strong desire to add more children to our family, and as a result we will soon be finalizing our first adoption and are awaiting placement anytime for our second. I know if He had allowed us to be blessed by becoming pregnant instead, we would not have our precious soon-to-be adopted daughter, whom God intended to be in our family. His Sovereignty is perfect and amazing. I am in awe of His goodness to us.
August 29th, 2008 at 5:23 am
Carmon,
This is an excellent and balanced piece of advice. I’ve encountered this same question so many times and I get angry when there is no grace or mercy shown to the individual asking the question. You have shown that grace and mercy along with sound counsel.
We were in the boat of contraception until just a very short six years ago. We repented once we knew the truth, and the Lord blessed us with the two daughters I had always wanted (in very quick succession, I might add!). We thought that giving up the control to God meant that we would automatically have ten children within the next few years…. we were wrong. We had two and that has been it, so far. I’ve gone the longest between pregnancies while I’ve used no birth control, much to our surpise.
The point is that the Lord is in control of ALL things. We are not the ones in control, as much as we would like to think we are. If your dear reader’s husband feels that a reversal is in order, the Lord will provide the funds to do that, if not, He won’t. He knows what is best for them, and will reveal that to her husband.
It boils down to trust, really. Trust in the Lord to give her husband wisdom to know the correct road to take, and trust that He will provide, regardless.
Just my quick two cents worth….
August 29th, 2008 at 5:59 am
Great post and great reply, Carmon!
I can sure relate to the question and to some of the comments!
Years ago, after the birth of our 2nd daughter, my husband had a vasectomy, too. Within a year(!) God changed our hearts and we were so convicted! We had heard of a group of Christian doctors who helped out other Christians who wanted to put that area back into God’s hands, so we pursued it. After a trying time of waiting for our circumstances to work out, we travelled 2 states away and were able to have the reversal done for less than 1/2 the price than if we had stayed here in California.
As I waited 3 hours for my husbands surgery to be over, I looked at all of the wonderful testimonies and pictures posted of the babies born after the reversal surgery. I was so excited.
The doctor said the surgery was a success, but I did not conceive! We were so disappointed and I was depressed!
God wanted me to get to a place of *total* surrender!
Finally, I resigned myself to HIS will and told Him that if 2 children were all He was going to give me, I would be content! (and I meant it, too!)
Well, can you believe that within that month of my surrender, I conceived?!
It was 22 months after the surgery and I was 26 years old.
I then began to wonder (can you further believe this?…) that I could have a baby every year and I did the math, too, like Natalie, and was scared! God did amazing things for me to show me that *He* was now in control of my womb *if* we would only trust Him.
Well, all these years later, I can tell you I didn’t have a baby every year, not even every other year. God spaced our family “perfect” for us, (like Carmon said). It has only been in the past 3 years (when the world says fertility slows down) that my babies have been spaced very close. I have had 9 pregnancies (I lost 3) since the surgery and I am now expecting our 6th “reversal” baby in October!
I praise God for His grace and His mercy.
I believe “surrender” is the key. He wants us to trust Him with everything. If He wants your husband to have the surgery, HE will provide the money for it. Hudson Taylor once said, “God’s will, done God’s way, will never lack God’s supply.” I now believe it and have counted on that many times!
No matter what, surrender and then be content with God’s answer!
I have to also share that our church (at the time) thought we were insane, too. When we shared with our pastor what we felt the Lord wanted us to do, he looked at us like we had lost our minds.
Don’t listen to those voices.
We would *never* trade what we gained for what we lost.
What we lost was only temporal, and what we gained was eternal, total joy and peace.
August 29th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
I want to clarify my last two sentences.
The loss I was referring to was the approval of
others.
I didn’t make that very clear.
Now, all of these years later, some of our worst critics
are our biggest cheerleaders.
August 30th, 2008 at 2:52 am
I too have friends who had a vasectomy and regret it. They haven’t had a reversal, but they have had a baby since then. Again, God is sovereign! I also know those who have never tried to “block God” in any way but only had a few children. Like those above, I don’t think it does any good to beat yourself up over past desicions. If He provides the means and you feel led to get a reversal done, then by all means do-but otherwise don’t waste energy on things you can’t do anything about.
August 30th, 2008 at 5:34 am
You might look into this website… http://www.blessedarrows.org
As for finances… Maybe I’ll write a book someday. ; ) DH and I just celebrated 10 years ago yesterday and we are expecting our fifth child in a couple of months. For *most* of our marriage we have lived below the poverty level and we have had a few long periods of unemployment. It is a struggle a lot of the times, but I think the struggle is more of one of trusting God than it is in anything else. I have to remember what we are told in Phil. 4:19 “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” Right now I have a beautiful table sitting in my kitchen because He provided for our need exactly when He deemed it necessary. After several months of grumbling about what we did have, I finally decided a better course would be praying and within a few weeks of this we happened (providentially) to drive by the home of a young lady who had it leftover after a garage sale and just wanted to get rid of it. We don’t have matching chairs, but so what? We can all fit around it now! We currently are living in a small home that is crowded**, but it is free thanks to my in-laws and my kids have never complained about it and even when I can’t see how I am going to feed because them because we had little money for groceries they have never gone to bed hungry. (I keep meaning to copy a picture out of Sergeant York’s biography which is of his childhood home and frame it on my wall… He grew up in a one room house, probably a bit smaller than my own, and I can’t remember exactly how many children they had but it was more than 10!)
Kim is so right about surrender and God’s perfect spacing for *our* families… I was so sure I was going to get pregnant right after we got married and when I didn’t month after month I found myself despairing over whether I would ever have a child, until I decided to just surrender to God and be content with His will, acknowledging that I was never going to conceive apart from His good pleasure. I also got pregnant with our first within a couple of months of this time. I gave birth just a few months before our second anniversary and since then our children have been born about every two to two and half years. This is not how I could have imagined things… I really wanted twenty children (and I would still be glad to have them if God sends them our way) but I am so glad that God in His wisdom planned these children and timed their births before the foundations of the world and I am glad to have the breaks between pregnancies.
August 30th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I enjoyed that post, Carmon. I find myself at a different stage than the young woman that emailed you. I’m wondering if you have any wisdom and encouragement for me. I’m 42 and recovering from my second miscarriage in a row. This one was quite traumatic and required an emergency trip to the hospital and 4 units of blood (I almost didn’t make it). We’ve allowed the Lord to plan our family and so far we have 6. I would gladly welcome more, but can (at this time) hardly stand the thought of going through this process of loss again. Of course, the doctor was kind enough to make it clear that I’m getting a little too old for this.
I would love to know your thoughts on this. Thanks and God bless you.
August 30th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Dear Cindy,
I am so sorry for your loss!
I, too, am 42 years old and have had 3 miscarriages with 2 being in a row, as well.
It was very hard, but God was faithful to see me through.
After my 2nd miscarriage, my cycles began to fluctuate
between 30+ days to 25-27 days. I had heard a lot about
natural progesterone cream and decided to give it a try.
My cycles began to be on time and within 4 months, I was expecting again and went on to deliver a beautiful baby boy!
I have to add that I continued the natural progest cream until I was 18 weeks pregnant. Low progesterone can be a cause for miscarriage and so I just continued on until I felt I was somewhat safe into my pregnancy.
(The brand I used and lots of my friends use is “Emerita”.
Please don’t just take my word for it, ask your husband and also read all about it.)
Again, I am sorry for what you are going through. I will pray that God will comfort your hurting heart and that you will physically be feeling better soon!
September 1st, 2008 at 9:51 am
Thank you, Kim. Your encouragement is so appreciated. My midwife also suggested progesterone cream and my dear husband had already ordered some – Emerita, too! Thanks again for your kind words.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I haven’t read all the comments, as they can get a little time consuming on this topic (and at times unhelpful, although a quick glance at this seems all is OK!)
I just wanted to say that I was blessed by your post, particularly your manner in understanding the complexity of it, and being realistic and loving.